‘The Job Interview’ was a ‘fly-on-the-wall’ documentary series that aired recently on British TV. It was excruciating, but I watched it because I do like a bit of schadenfreude.

Nothing has made me happier about being retired than the thought that I’ll never again have to go through the toe-curling experience of interviewing for a new job. I had to do it a few times in my life – on a couple of occasions without the safety net of already having a job, which is really scary – and I absolutely hated it.

Like pretty much everyone else, I imagine.

But, secure in the knowledge that I don’t need to find employment any more, it did make me think about how I’d respond now in what some minion from Personnel HR would probably describe as a ‘job interview situation’.

So, armed with this list from themuse.com, here are the answers I might give to some of the most common questions.

Why do you want this job?

I’ve now been retired for almost four years. It’s gone well and I think I now have the experience to allow me to take this career to the next level.

What are your greatest professional strengths?

As a retiree, I think I’ve developed considerable expertise in keeping looking busy without actually having to do anything I’m not particularly keen on.

What do you consider to be your weaknesses?

Well, I think there’s certainly room for improvement in some areas. My wife boss keeps pulling me up for not closing cupboard doors properly, for example, and I recognise that I can sometimes have a rather resentful attitude to setting alarms.

What is your greatest professional achievement?

Undoubtedly it’s being retired full time for so long without my wife boss giving me the sack.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Realistically, any major change of career direction is not an option for me at this stage, so five years down the road I’d be very happy to be exactly where I am now. But on a higher salary pension. And maybe with a new iPad.

What other companies are you interviewing with?

I can honestly say that this is my dream job and there is no other wife boss I would ever want to work for.

What do you like to do outside of work?

I’m sorry, but I do take my responsibilities as a retiree very seriously. It’s a 24/7 commitment.

What type of work environment do you prefer?

I’m very happy with the current work-from-home arrangements, with flexible hours and minimal supervision. Outdoor working isn’t really for me, although obviously I’ll do it as required.

If you were an animal, which one would you want to be?

I must admit that I don’t often get in touch with my animal side. But perhaps something like this:

Do you have any questions for us?

When can I start carry on?