Right first time

“Flip flop. Think of a topic or issue about which you’ve switched your opinion. Why the change?

Nobody likes to admit they’re wrong and frankly it’s a little embarrassing to tell everyone (ha!) about how I couldn’t see the point of an iPad at all when they first came out. If you tried to take it off me now, though, I’d tear you limb from limb.

…Unless it was to upgrade to the latest version of course.

Instead, as a testament to consistency, here’s a miscellany of things that I didn’t like at the outset, have never liked and will never – ever – have the time of day for.

I freely admit that some of them have already been subjected to my own particular version of the hairdrier treatment (as per the links). You can attribute this element of repetition to a combination of idleness, lack of imagination and a feeble attempt to ‘drive traffic to my archives’, something that WordPress considers to be a good thing.

Whatever it means.

  • Cargo pants: going somewhere exciting, are we?
  • Justin Bieber: enough said.
  • Manchester United: ditto.
  • Tattoos: by all means if it really is part of your tribal culture, but hey there, spotty boy from Essex, do you realise that those three cool-looking Chinese pictograms on your forearm actually translate as ‘Chicken Chow Mein’? And lose the earring while you’re at it.
  • Anthropomorphism: more specifically, talking to animals like they were babies. Look, it’s just a bloody cat. It doesn’t care. It wouldn’t understand what you’re wittering on about, even if you weren’t speaking like a demented idiot on a cocktail of helium and amphetamines. Stop putting out the Whiskas and it’d be off like a shot.
  • Affiliate marketers: Leave. Me. Alone.
  • Andouillettes: there is no valid reason whatsoever to consume any part of the digestive tract of any animal, however imaginatively presented. End of.
  • Reality TV: a flagrant breach of the Trade Descriptions Act if ever there was one. A bunch of miscellaneous twats herded together in an artificial environment, exhorted to perform mindless tasks for the delectation of an equally mindless audience, and driven only by an inexplicable desire to acquire – or revive – a peculiar state of public perception commonly referred to as ‘celebrity’.
  • ‘Have a nice day’: there, you’ve just gone and spoiled it.
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