From 2014, a hopefully humorous but ultimately futile attempt to attract a bit of interest.
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Confidential: Draft script for infomercial. Do NOT show to client under any circumstances*
Fade up studio lights to presenter seated in high-backed leather armchair. [I’m thinking I M Jolly here, people. No chance of getting James Earl Jones, I suppose]
Hello there.
Now, if you’re watching this channel at this time of night, then the chances are that you one of the millions of people who suffer the misery of insomnia.
Unless you recorded it. You didn’t record it, did you?
Really? Get help.
Anyway, do you struggle to slip into the arms of Morpheus? Do you find that you just can’t switch off from worrying about all those problems that haunt you night and day? Like can I afford the rent this month? Is my boss about to fire me? Does my bum look big in this?
Folks, today we at the Get-A-Life Shopping Channel are proud and excited to be able to offer you a surefire cure for your sleep deprivation problem. We know there are hundreds of insomnia cures on the market, but this is something completely different: not a special pillow, not a fragrance diffuser, not a white-noise generator or any other kind of repetitive-drone producing machine.
Well, maybe that last one.
We’re not talking about any kind of drug either. There’s absolutely no question of dependency on this product. Scientific research has proved that it’s completely non-addictive. In fact, 99.99% of people who may accidentally have been exposed to theonlydeadheadinthehameau are completely oblivious of the fact within five minutes and feel no compulsion whatever to repeat the experience.
The others are relatives.
It’s easy to use theonlydeadheadinthehameau. Tuck yourself into bed, open your laptop or mobile device and just click on the bookmark. We’ll guarantee that you’ll be comatose within five minutes. You’ll awake refreshed and raring to take on the challenges of a new day.
Remember that theonlydeadheadinthehameau is not available in any shop, so pick up the phone right now and speak to one of our trained operatives. You’ll get immediate access to theonlydeadheadinthehameau and quickly enter the catatonic state that you desire and deserve.
And as an added bonus, all callers who contact us in the next fifteen minutes will also receive, completely free, theonlyD800inthehameau, containing many narcolepsy-inducing images that you’ll treasure.
Folks, this is a no-risk investment in your own well-being. If for any reason you find that theonlydeadheadinthehameau doesn’t work for you, just clear your browser history and we’ll say no more about it. You’ve got nothing to lose except those bags under your eyes.
We’ll be back after the break to bring you an amazing offer on plastic kitchen storage products…
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*The client’s brief was based on the latest of ‘365 Days of writing Prompts’ ‘Write a script for a late-night infomercial where the product is your blog…What are the benefits of reading your blog?’
the only deadhead in the hameau 