So anyroad, I wuz skivin’ around disavvy, as per, lookin’ at dis WordPress business, an’ I seen dee ‘ad this thing called a ‘Weekly Writing Challenge’.

Sounded a bit poncey, if yer ask me (especially the first paragraph), burra persevered like, an’ it said dee wanted yer to write one of dem blog posts in a regional accent.

Big problem dere is I doan’ ‘ave a regional accent, coz I’m a scouser. It’s all dem woolybacks, manks and cockney bastards that can’t talk proper.

So I asked meself wedder I could be arsed wid it, but then I thought yeah, go ed lad, give irra go.

For a kick-off, I ‘ad a look at dat Wikipedia thing. Bloody ‘ell. I mean, I got the bit about the characteristic glottal stop and da’, but apart from that I curren’ understand a wird of it – I mean, what’s an allophone when it’s arrome?

Just ‘avin’ a glottal stop tells yer nowt about Scouse, anyway. I mean, even dem divvies from the smoke have it, but I’m talkin’ about Mersey Eshtaree English, not the Thames. An’ we don’t drop our haitches, neider, especially when we’re tryin’ ter talk posh.

Tell yer wha’, get dem tossers from TOWIE up ‘ere, wid der orange judies an’ der crap trabs, an’ dee wurren’ last five minutes with the proper scallies on The Only Way Is Croxteth.

Now I know dere’s loads of explanations goin’ round of why us scousers talk as good as we do, but frankly most of ’em are bollocks. I mean, dat one about it being down to the draught from the Mersey Tunnel blockin’ yer sinuses: what kind of soft lad d’yer ‘ave to be to believe da’?

Nah. I reckon I’ve got de answer and it all goes back to our proud tradition of being poverty-stricken wirkin’ class (apart from the dockers, obviously). What it was, back in the day they didn’t ‘ave de ackers to afford all the consonants dee needed, so dee never bovvered wid de ones at the end of der wirds. Basic.

Dere yer go, den. Sorted.

Look, lah, I’d luv to expand further on this, but dey’re open so I’m goin’ down de ale-‘ouse now for a few bevvies of ‘iggies an’ a good barney outside the chippy.

Sound.