Vraiment?… What is a running stitch? That pain in your side when you foolishly embark on a Couch To 5K. What is the collywobbles? A deservedly obscure Irish folk group. What is a tea caddy? A box of bags. What is a stick of words? An unfortunate stammer. What is a flash drive? A golf…
From 2014, a response to a question about tattoos… Tattoo? Me? According to the infallible oracle that we call ‘the internet’, you are statistically most likely to have a tattoo if you are (a) female and (b) in the 30-39 age group. Being a male and – in my head at any rate – only in my…
Oh aye?… Imbroglio How an Italian monk introduces himself. Ish A headless marine creature. Insouciant Oh, who cares? Inanition Residency of a country with a large population of Pediculus humanus capitis. Infamy They’ve all got it… Impugn Recognition that one is not the most handsome of individuals. Impecunious Boasting about one’s personal finances. Inveigle To…
The wrong voices: who ‘really’ sang these songs… I Am The One And Only Napoleon Solo These Boots Were Made For Walking Jimmy Choo Help Yourself Have you visited a Harvester before? Make Me An Island The Wren Kitchens Choral Ensemble I Want To Know What Love Is Serena Williams Penny Lane Cheap Trick I…
From ten years ago, and inspired – for want of a better word – by a prompt included in WordPress’ Writing 101 course that invited us to ‘reinvent the letter format’. This is as close as it’s going to get. An Open Letter To My Passport Photo Dear self, Well, I wouldn’t go so far as…
I don’t belieeeeve it… What is an heirloom? That thing you spin heirs on. What is the ‘Big Dipper’? A larger-than-life pickpocket. What is a titfer? Not just for Christmas, hopefully. What is a mud flap? The state of panic when your car gets stuck in a ditch. What is a barrel roll? An egregiously…
Scary… Why does garlic repel vampires? Why wouldn’t it? What do you need to kill a werewolf? An overactive imagination. What is the purpose of a Jack-o-lantern? It was a prop used in the making of the ‘Thriller’ video. What exactly is a ghoul? The benighted offspring of a ghost and another lost soul. Why…
This is what happened when I rocked up for my first day in a new job in a new country – and a new culture. It happened in September 2002 and I made sure I was well away when I wrote this from a safe distance in October 2013. Brave New World My instructions were…
R you having me on? Ripsnorter Epitaph for a cocaine addict Rinky-dink A very small space set aside for ice skating. Rapscallion When an American hits somebody with a spring onion. Recalcitrant The outrage expressed by a school student when told to redo their maths homework. Rickrack What would have happened to Richard III if…
From 2014, a hopefully humorous but ultimately futile attempt to attract a bit of interest. Buy This Blog Confidential: Draft script for infomercial. Do NOT show to client under any circumstances* Fade up studio lights to presenter seated in high-backed leather armchair. [I’m thinking I M Jolly here, people. No chance of getting James Earl Jones,…
the only deadhead in the hameau 