“No thanks: is there a place in the world you never want to visit? Where, and why not?”

Thank you, ‘365 Days of Writing Prompts’; a chance for a list is always welcome.

I can think of plenty of places I’ve never been to that I never want to visit.

And there are at least as many places that I have visited and never want to go to again. Some of them I never wanted to go to in the first place, come to that.

So, what about places that hopefully will forever remain unvisited?

• War-zones: Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria. Magaluf.
• North Korea: it doesn’t strike me as a must-see destination, I have to say. Not even for dog-lovers.
• The shower block in the maximum security wing of Rikers Island: probably doesn’t need any further elaboration.
• The Stretford End: ditto. Too many southerners.
• Riverdance: Shoot. Me. Now.

As for the never-to-be-repeated category, these are just the first few that sprang to mind:

• School: especially Mr J–‘s PE classes, where the muscled moron took great delight in telling the less than athletically gifted how useless they were. Bastard.
• The toilet facilities at the Isle of Wight festival: in the heady days before Portaloos – and, apparently, doors.
• Work: especially meetings – of any kind, but particularly management meetings.
• B&Q: or any national equivalent DIY store, e.g. Leroy Merlin, Home Depot etc. Leave it to the professionals, that’s what I say. Or at least to the amateurs who can be arsed.
• The one-way system in Rouen: if you want to know why, just try it yourself sometime. But be sure to put your affairs in order and say your farewells properly first, because there’s a good chance you will never be seen again.

If all of this negativity gives the impression that I am just a miserable old stay-at-home, I would like to make it clear that there are also many places that I would love to go to, either for the first time (e.g. India) or again (e.g. Venice).

Which isn’t to say that I don’t like it here, too.