Well now, ‘transport’ is the broad theme for Song Lyric Sunday this week, so there’s no shortage of possibilities to choose from.

I do wonder, though, whether anyone else will come up with this particular piece of 1980s anarchic weirdness from the left-wing Liverpudlian (although here deploying an Estuary English accent) comedian, Alexei Sayle. He is probably familiar to most British readers, especially of a certain age, but if you’re from overseas be ready for a bit of a culture shock.

[NB all the lines in the…. er, lyrics are repeated, so in the interests of brevity I’ve only shown one]

Ullo-‘Ullo-‘Ullo-‘Ullo
‘Ullo John! Gotta new motor?
Your dog’s made a mess on the carpet
He lost his bottle in Barnsley
He’s an Avon Representative

Hahahahahahahaha
Motor, motor, motor, motor, urgggghhh

They put me in a special hospital
Is there life on Mars?
Is there life in Peckham?
What’s that switch over there for?
AH AH AH AH OW!

He can’t half play the bongos
He’s got a record by Billy Joel
Them locks are easy
Here’s my calling card: WALLOP!
That’s a piece of balsa
You can make a model out of that
He stuck his head in a dustbin
Then ran through the launderette

‘Ere John do you like the suit here, eh eh it’s a lovely suit innit?
‘Ere wanna brown ale?
‘Ullo John! Gotta new motor?
Mine’s a light and bitter

He works on the Thames Barrier
I keep tropical fish
In me underpants

‘Ullo John! Gotta new motor?
He walks around with an ‘at on

[Spoken]
Oh yeah our Rodney yeah, he’s the intelligent one
He’s in the police force
Very bright he is
Been to Miami? Lovely… Miami
Package tour in Miami
You can’t get a light and bitter
You can’t get a light and bitter in Miami though
You can get one in Bermondsey though!
That’s a nice sound as well, Bermondsey
You can get a light and bitter, and it sounds nice
Light and bitter, that sounds nice, I’d like a light and bitter
Oh cheers thanks a lot
Oh nice one yeah
Alright, what you having? What you having eh?
Pina Colada?
Lovely, here you must be sophisticated

‘Ullo John! Gotta new motor?
Your dog’s made a mess of the carpet

[Spoken]
Here that’s a nice three piece suite, yeah
I like your music centre
Here, got any Demis Roussos?
Oh, I like him, Barry Manilow
I think he’s terrific
Oh I love him, I love Barry Manilow
I go all weak, when I hear Barry Manilow, I go all weak

Written by Alexei Sayle

Song Lyric Sunday 11 January 2026